Perfectionism & People‑Pleasing: Finding Balance as an Expat in Amsterdam

Arriving in Amsterdam as an American expat often means trading the high‑octane hustle of U.S. culture for Dutch calm—and that contrast can shine a harsh light on ingrained habits of perfectionism and people‑pleasing. You might notice an internal tension: the part of you that drives for flawless results and constant approval, and the part of you that craves the relaxed, "gezellig" rhythms that make this city so inviting. Recognizing that tension is the first step toward building a life that honors both your drive and your well‑being.

The Hidden Toll of Chasing Perfection

Perfectionism and the urge to please can feel productive at first—earning praise, prestige, and a sense of control. Over time, though, these habits often lead to chronic anxiety, burnout, and frustration. As an expat, you may cope by over‑preparing presentations at work, volunteering for every project, or saying "yes" to too many social commitments, only to end up exhausted and disconnected from what truly matters.

Embracing "Good Enough"

Sustainable well‑being comes from redefining success and setting boundaries that reflect your values. A few mindful shifts can help you move from "must do" to "choose to":

• Pause before you say "yes"—ask yourself if this aligns with your priorities and energy levels.

• Pick one or two areas to excel in, and allow yourself to do "good enough" elsewhere.

• Replace self‑criticism with self‑compassion: reframe "I have to" as "I choose to."

These changes send a powerful message: your worth isn’t tied to perfect outcomes or universal approval.

Yet perfectionism and people‑pleasing often stem from deeper fears—fear of rejection, fear of not belonging, or fear of failing ourselves. As you learn to accept imperfection, you may notice old anxieties surfacing: that telling someone “no” will cost you connection, or that setting a boundary feels like a personal failure. Recognizing these fears without judgment is a vital part of growth. It invites curiosity—what happens when I choose rest over overdrive?—and builds resilience for the moments you slip back into old patterns.

Therapy as Your Ally in Change

At Aurore Counseling in Amsterdam, our English & French‑speaking psychotherapists specialize in supporting expats through these challenges. In sessions, you’ll explore how perfectionist beliefs formed, learn cognitive‑behavioral techniques to challenge unhelpful thoughts, and practice ACT‑inspired exercises to stay grounded in your values. Therapy offers a safe space to experiment with new boundaries, receive compassionate feedback, and build lasting self‑acceptance.

Letting go of impossible standards doesn’t mean abandoning ambition. It means pursuing your goals from a place of strength, clarity, and joy. If you’re ready to balance caring for others with compassion for yourself, consider reaching out to a therapist at Aurore Counseling. Together, we’ll craft a path that honors your drive—and your humanity.