Beyond 'I'm Fine': The Expat's Guide to Voicing Your Needs

As an expat in Amsterdam, you quickly master the art of the casual check-in. "How are you settling in?" a colleague asks. "Great, thanks!" you reply, even if you spent the previous evening feeling a deep pang of homesickness. "Everything okay?" a friend texts. "Yep, just busy!" you type back, sidestepping the anxiety humming beneath the surface.

The phrase "I'm fine" becomes a reflex—a simple, effective piece of social armor. It keeps conversations smooth and protects you from feeling like a burden. But when "I'm fine" becomes your default answer, it can quietly build a wall between you and the genuine connection you crave.

Authentic relationships aren't built on being fine; they're built on being real. And being real requires us to voice our needs.

The Difference Between a 'Want' and a 'Need'

For many, especially when navigating new cultural landscapes like the directness of the Dutch, expressing a need can feel daunting. We often confuse it with making a demand.

• A want is a preference. "I want to go to that new restaurant" is a desire that is open for negotiation.

• A need is a core requirement for your well-being. "I need a quiet evening at home" or "I need to feel understood right now" are statements about your fundamental state.

  
  

Voicing a need isn't an act of selfishness; it's an act of clarity and vulnerability. It's an invitation for someone to see and understand you on a deeper level. The fear, however, is that this vulnerability will be rejected or misunderstood, a common concern explored in psychotherapy for expats. So, we default to silence, and the silence can slowly curdle into resentment or loneliness.

A Practical Guide to Voicing Your Needs

Learning to express your needs isn't about becoming more demanding; it's about becoming more attuned to yourself and more transparent with others. The process begins not with speaking, but with listening—to yourself.

1. The Mindful Check-In

Before you can voice a need, you have to know what it is. Throughout your day, take a moment to pause and ask: "What am I feeling in my body right now?" A tight jaw, a knot in your stomach, tense shoulders—these are not random sensations. They are your body's early-warning system, signaling an unmet need.

2. Translate the Feeling into a Need

Once you identify a sensation or emotion, try to translate it.

• Feeling: "I feel drained and irritable." → Need: "I need rest and some time alone."

• Feeling: "I feel a pang of loneliness." → Need: "I need connection or a meaningful conversation."

• Feeling: "I feel anxious and overwhelmed." → Need: "I need simplicity or support with a task."

  
  

3. Communicate with Clarity and Kindness

You don't need to deliver a monologue. A simple, honest formula can be incredibly effective: "I'm feeling [the emotion], and I think I need [the need]."

For example: "I'm feeling really overwhelmed by our plans this week, and I think I need a quiet night in on Friday."

This is not a demand. It's a piece of valuable information you are sharing about your inner world. It gives the other person the clarity to understand you, opening the door for collaboration and mutual support.

The Foundation of a Fulfilling Life Abroad

Learning to voice your needs is one of the most powerful skills you can develop as an expat. It dissolves feelings of isolation, builds resilient and trusting relationships, and reinforces your sense of self-worth. It is the bridge from merely surviving in a new country to truly belonging.

At Aurore Counseling, a significant part of our work in expat therapy in Amsterdam is creating a safe space to rediscover your own voice. As a English & French-speaking therapists, we are keenly aware of the cultural nuances that can make this feel complex. Together, we can practice tuning into your inner world and finding the words to express what you truly need, building the foundation for a more authentic and connected life.