Setting Down the Shield: When Old Survival Strategies No Longer Serve You Abroad

For many of us, the person we are today was forged in the fires of our past. We learned how to be resilient, how to protect ourselves, and how to navigate challenging environments. Perhaps you became hyper-independent, a master problem-solver who never asks for help. Maybe you developed a sharp perfectionism, believing that if you never made a mistake, you could never be faulted.

These strategies were more than just habits; they were your shield. They kept you safe, helped you survive, and brought you to where you are now—a capable, successful expat building a life in Amsterdam.

But what happens when the very shield that once protected you starts to feel more like a cage?

When Your Shield Becomes a Burden

Living abroad is an entirely new landscape. The old threats are gone, but your internal defense system often doesn't get the memo. It continues to run the old programs out of habit, scanning for dangers that no longer exist.

That promise you made to yourself long ago—"I will never be unsafe again" or "I must always be in control"—was a brilliant adaptation for a younger version of you. Today, however, that same rule for living can manifest as:

• Chronic Anxiety: A constant, low-level hum of vigilance that makes it impossible to relax and trust your new environment.

  
  

• Perfectionism and Burnout: An unrelenting pressure to perform flawlessly in your career and social life, leading to compulsive behaviors and exhaustion.

  
  

• Difficulty with Intimacy: A deep-seated reluctance to be vulnerable, making it hard to form the authentic, trusting connections you crave.

  
  

The strategies that once ensured your survival may now be the very things preventing you from truly thriving. They keep you in a state of high alert, unable to fully embrace the spontaneity, connection, and peace that your new life has to offer.

Learning to Set the Shield Down

Recognizing that your shield has become a burden is the first, most courageous step. The goal of expat psychotherapy is not to condemn these survival strategies but to honor them for the role they played, and then gently help you set them down.

1. Acknowledge and Honor the Past: Your shield was created for a reason. In therapy, we make space to understand its origins. By treating this protective part of you with compassion rather than judgment, we can begin to soften its rigid grip.

2. Test the Present Reality: Is it still true that you are unsafe? Is it still a catastrophe to make a small mistake at work? A skilled therapist can help you design small, real-world experiments to gently challenge these old beliefs and discover that you are far more resilient in the present than your past has led you to believe.

3. Cultivate Psychological Flexibility: The opposite of rigidity is flexibility. Through mindful awareness, we can learn to notice an old defensive urge arise—like the impulse to over-prepare or to people-please—and consciously choose a different path. This is not about forcing change, but about creating enough inner space to allow for a new, more authentic response to emerge.

A New Way of Being

Setting down your shield is a process of unlearning and discovery. It’s about realizing that the safety you once had to fight for externally can now be cultivated from within. It is a journey from a life organized around avoiding threat to one oriented toward connection, growth, and what truly matters to you.

At Aurore Counseling, we specialize in helping expats navigate this profound shift. As a English & French-speaking therapist in Amsterdam, we provide a safe harbor where we can explore the origins of your shield together. In a space of non-judgment and deep understanding, you can learn to trust yourself and your new world, finally allowing yourself to not just survive, but to truly live.